Now its off to plot tomorrow’s course.

Toodles!

sparkling eyes

gorgeous hair

perfected figures

always smiling, always happy, always available

If you take these images one step further you find those who are always aroused, always ready, never ever insecure & don’t require any effort.

Maybe its just me (although I don’t really think so), but this image of women is not me. I have blemishes, I have jiggles, I have bad days. And these perfect images we’re constantly bombarded with make those days worse. I’m so tired of it.

I work hard for my body, I work hard to be strong & fit & capable. I work hard at my nutrition, I eat clean & study what makes my body run & do my level best to implement it. And still I’m bombarded, incessantly with the idea, no the assumption, that I’m not good enough, that I need ‘work’, that I can always be ‘better.’ I carry this with me everywhere, its like a duffel bag I can’t sit down. Some days it seems lighter than others (those days when my stomach looks flatter than the day before or I’ve just achieved a new PR) and other days its so heavy I don’t know how I’ll get through the day (hormonal days when all I can see is jiggle & flawed). It affects every. single. area. of my life. What so many don’t seem to understand it is goes far beyond our ability to be confident in our intimate lives (although this in of itself would be enough). It also diminishes our belief in our ability to love, to handle challenges, to run a business, to achieve dreams, to do anything, really. It affects how we relate to others, how we approach our Savior, how we exist.

I am writing this because I struggle here. I struggle hard & I know I can’t be alone. I have a love-hate-love-love-hate relationship with food. I have the same relationship with my body (although it tends to lean more towards hate & less towards love). I am mostly writing because I want to be free. I want to be free of this self-loathing, of this invisible duffel bag strapped to my shoulders. I want to be free of all of it. I want to have relationships with other women in which I’m not constantly comparing myself. I want to be confident in interactions with my husband. I want to breathe freely for crying out loud. So, I’m airing my dirty laundry in hopes that someone else can relate.

I saw the video below this morning & couldn’t help but feel a little vindication so I thought I’d share. In the midst of such a difficult, sensitive area something like this is a reminder that the images are just that, images, created by man for man & they are not representative of reality. Now, if I could just get my psyche to come to the same conclusion.

Fotoshop by Adobé from Jesse Rosten on Vimeo.

Does any of this sound like you? If so feel free to share below, obviously you’ll get no judgement here, you’re talking to the queen of irrational thought!

Happy Tuesday Y’all. Toodles!

It was at this same time I stumbled across the ever-fabulous Karen Stott’s baby – Pursuit 31. At first I was completely bummed because it seemed I had missed the Pursuit 31 Retreats in my area & knew a trip across country wasn’t something I could swing at the moment. Then the Pursuit 31 Conference was announced. Watching the intro video (at work no less) brought me to tears, the words of the song reflected my heart so perfectly. The thought of immersing myself in the love of my Savior surrounded by those who really understand the fears, the insecurities, the struggles of this ‘dream’ we all have was almost too good to be true. I felt sure it would be too far away or too expensive. Then I read those areas & found both fit my abilities. I knew right then this was meant to be for me. I was certain God allowed me to find this as it was announced, in time to plan for registration. Then I realized I’d be traveling the day registration opened & I had a momentary panic. What if I couldn’t get in? What if it sold out? I took a deep breath, prayed about it & when I looked at my travel arrangements realized I’d be sitting in the Baltimore airport when registration opened & would have nothing else to do, except register for this. Wow.

I don’t know why I am continually amazed at God’s ability to arrange the details but I am.

My next thought was, man, October is so far away, I wish there was something sooner, some way of connecting with the like-minded individuals in the interim. Enter Karen Stott’s awesome-ness & the enigma we call Facebook. I have a love-hate-love-love-hate relationship with Facebook but in this particular case its been awesome.  The Pursuit 31 group on Facebook has been amazing. Such a great group of accountability, sharing, encouragement, prayer-offering women. As someone who’s been burned by other females in this industry I’m still a little hesitant but the love & authenticity of most in this group is amazing & wearing that wall down.

Even though October is 9 long months away I’m already giddy. I’m already praying for open hearts, amazing truth & changed lives. I thank God that He put this mission in the capable hands of Karen Stott & Elizabeth-Ann King & pray for blessings over this endeavor every step of the way.

Here’s to a future we can look forward to.

Happy Monday y’all. Toodles!

On those blah days I browse to YouTube & search for ‘flash mob.’ The videos of random people orchestrating & choreographing these amazing dances in random places for no other reason than to share some joy never fail to boost my mood. They have also been known to make me teary-eyed, however, those are good tears, the type of tears that remind me of the goodness in the world, fleeting as it may be. So, on this gloomy blah Friday I’m sharing a couple of my favorites. Enjoy!

Sound of Music – Belgium

Glee Flash Mob – Seattle

Ohio State Flash Mob

One more, just because I can’t get past the older gentleman with his sweat band, see if you can spot him!

Hammer Time – LA

Happy Friday Y’all! Toodles.

This love for books collided with my desire to improve my marriage & my newfound love of Mars Hill Church’s pastor Mark Driscoll when I heard that Mark & his wife Grace were releasing a book. I heard about the book last November & when the release date was set for January I could barely stand it. So when the opportunity to get an advance copy & review it came available I jumped on it. I signed up through BookSneeze.com & got an advance electronic version.

Real, honest, vulnerable, true, & tough are the words that first come to mind when I think of this book. If you dare read this book looking for real help for your marriage, or to prepare you for marriage, be forewarned, it will challenge you. At first I was completely optimistic & dived right in, however as the chapters passed I knew the challenge was coming & I found myself apprehensive but still excited. Some chapters were a harsh mirror into my own frailties, shortcomings & insecurities, however, even these tough spots were laced with hope. Other chapters were a wonderful validation of things I’ve always thought or desired but had never experienced.

The material is practical, pragmatic & yet still Biblically based. It is enlightening, helpful, hopeful & true. The Driscoll’s don’t dance around the topics so many do, they don’t ignore those pressing questions we’ve all  had & better than that they apply practical Godly principles to each & every one.

My husband & I are slowly talking through each chapter & though those conversations aren’t always easy they are just like the book; real, honest, vulnerable & true. Which I think is the whole point!

In short, my recommendation is if you only buy one marriage book this year, make it this one!

Happy 2012 Y’all! Toodles!

Happy Thursday Y’all! Toodles!

As 2011 & my 27th year comes to an end I am happy to see it go. I am looking forward to brighter days.

But here & now, in this moment, I’m thankful for this year, this dark, long, sad year.

It is in the dark that I discovered my strength. It is in the long suffering that I found my willl, it is in the sadness that I learned to appreciate joy. In all the darkness I’m finding the rays.

Never has my Savior felt closer than in those moments when there was so much pain I felt I might burst with it. Never have I been so sure of His love than on those days when I had nothing else to lean on. Never have I known the strength of my friends & family than when they carried my burden when I couldn’t anymore.

I don’t know what 2012 holds but I’m hoping for brightness and laughter and peace.

And I’m taking a moment to recognize that my optimism is a gift. I still believe, I still hope, I still love.

That makes me a superhero.

Here’s to all you other superheroes out there that don’t realize that’s what you are. If you need someone to reinforce the idea hit me up!

Happy Birthday to me! Happy New Year to you. To 2012, bring it on!

Anyway, in an effort to continue stretching my comfort zone & also because I simply like the random I decided to celebrate my birthday this year by committing to doing at least 1 random act of kindness (RAK) each day, celebrating each year of my life.

I got this idea from Pinterest & this girl’s blog who did all hers in one day!

Some days have been harder than others, some days consisted of several which weren’t documented. Also, its interesting to note what a study in human interaction this has been. Most everyone is skeptical, some even scoff. It has generally been the older generations that are most accepting & gracious & those closer to my own age who look at me like I must have escaped from the nearest asylum. Still, its been fun this far. I share not to brag or boast as most of these have been opportunities given to me by a gracious God. I share to encourage others to join me. It is the Christmas season afterall. So, if you decide to jump on board please leave me a comment telling me about your experience. I look forward to reading.

In the interest of being fully ‘in the moment’ many of these don’t have photos attached, however, the photographer within was not to be completely squelched so when the photo-op didn’t detract from the act I made sure & documented!

Enjoy & let me know what you think!

1) Took Hubby’s dead watch to our local jewelers so he wouldn’t have to get up early & take it.

2)Welcome Home – Post-It Note Style! Left 6 Post-Its in random hidden places for a friend to find when she came home from a business trip!

3)Helped Elderly Lady load groceries at Kroger & returned her cart.

4) Let 3 people go ahead of me in line @ 3 different stores.

5) Unloaded work stuff for a co-worker in the rain who didn’t have a rain coat.

6) Extended grace to an officer.

7) Made Donation to Goodwill

Tended a friend’s pup when she was stuck at work late.

9) Reached out to a family member who has been absent for a while.

10) Free Photo Session for a deserving friend.

11) Volunteered my time to help CFM at this years Christmas parade.

12) Covered Starbucks for the cars in front of & behind me (the barista said she’d never seen someone do both the vehicle before & after).

13) Spent my 30 min drive home from a shoot in earnest prayer for my husband.

14) Carried a miss-delivered package to a neighboring business where it belonged.

15) Left uplifting messages on mirrors via Post-Its at local businesses.

And so I invite you to join me in this slightly-odd celebration of my birthday. Do something nice for someone (double points if its a stranger) & let me know about it!

Happy Thursday Y’all! Toodles!